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Dear thinkingoutsoftly, you got some sleep last night. It's hard to think clearly when Mauchline you're sleep deprived. What you are saying about communication problems certainly applies to most "normal" marital situations but not work with a verbally or emotionally abusive partner. My partner became possessive, controlling, belittling. He gave me an "allowance" to live on. I was told if I disagreed over anything that I was "making a big deal over nothing". If my feelings were hurt, "it was my fault because I am just too sensitive." We tried several communication techniques but in the end, I was dominated and controlled. Do you know what that feels like? What you basiy said to me in your reply is that I was not smart about handling the communication problems in our marriage. You were placing the burden on me which is what happened throughout our marriage. I carried the burden and tried to adjust my behavior and reactions to make things work until I became so sick and exhausted, I could do no more. I could fill a book with the sordid details of my 15 year marriage to this. He got extremely jealous of my pomeranian puppy I rescued from an animal shelter. I loved that animal. He ran over him one day after threatening to several times because the dog was "in his way". The dog died. He said it was my fault for bringing home a stray animal with "baggage." It was always my fault. I couldn't make plans or go anywhere without giving him a full detailed account of where I was going, who I'd be with and how I planned to be gone. Not even out shopping for goodness sake! I got to where I just stayed home rather than argue with him about why I wanted to play golf with my friends on Saturday for a couple of hours. My mother lives in the next town and would sometimes like me to spend the night with her once a month. He didn't want me doing that because he said that took too much time away from our relationship. He controlled our time. I tried to make compromises but got so tired, I just gave in and let him win. It was easier than having him angry at me for asking for something I'd like to do or needed to do. Now can't you understand why your advice to me about not trying hard enough does not work in this situation?? Hello. I was -! Read the Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Engel. I admire your to want to reach out. It's the first step. But I be honest and say that I don't think you're going to get the kind of feed back here that you need tailored to your unique situation. This is , an open public forum with access from everyone and anyone. My suggestion (after being divorced , I refrain from a number for lack of not wanting back lash at someone judging me) is to seek out professional assistance. There are NUMEROUS ways to get discreet counseling these days. From church groups to non-profit organizations to picking up the phone and contacting your insurance company and explain to them what you need and they walk you through what you have to do. But please don't make a decision on what to do based on a few "uneducated about the source", people on. All in all you have to make YOU better before you can do right by that. If that doesn't happen, you'll find mistake after mistake after mistake. Good luck!